When You Don't Know What to Do (Self-Brain Surgery Saturday)

Good morning, my friend. Dr. Lee Warren here with you, and it is Self-Brain Surgery Saturday.

Today we're going to take a little break from all the neuroscience and all the

deep dive into faith and science mashing together,

and we're just going to talk about the fact that there are some things that

happen and sometimes in life when you don't know what to do.

And I'm going to give you permission today to just experience that and be okay

with it, to understand that it's a normal part of the process of handling trauma

and tragedy and other massive things.

Yesterday was the 11th birthday of our son Mitch since we lost him.

And it just kind of spent a little time thinking about the fact that on that

day and many days after, and frankly, many days still, when you just don't know

what to do, you don't know how to to think.

You don't know where your faith is. You don't know what you believe.

You don't know how you feel even sometimes.

And it's okay. So if you're in that place right now where the wound is fresh,

or there's a problem that's on the horizon that you're not sure what to do about,

or it's just literally happening in real time right now for you,

or if you know or love somebody who's going through some massive thing right now,

it's okay to acknowledge when you don't know what what to do.

And we're going to change our minds about the fact that we think we always have to have an answer.

And we think we always have to have words to say. And we think we always have

to have a plan and have our faith all lined up and have everything squared away.

And I'm just telling you, there are some times when you don't know what to do.

And even in those moments, I have a question for you.

Hey, are you ready to change your life? If the answer is yes, there's only one rule.

You have to change your mind first. And my friend, there's a place for where

the neuroscience of how your mind works smashes together with faith and everything

starts to make sense. Are you ready to change your life?

Well, this is the place, Self-Brain Surgery School.

I'm Dr. Lee Warren, and this is where we go deep into how we're wired,

take control of our thinking, and find real hope.

This is where we learn to become healthier, feel better, and be happier.

This is where we leave the past behind and transform our minds.

This is where we start today. Are you ready?

This is your podcast. this is your place this is your time my friend let's get after it.

Music.

All right, we're going to get after it on Self-Brain Surgery Saturday.

Today, we're taking a break from the self-directed neuroplasticity or self-brain

surgery or faith and science smashing together.

And I just want you to be aware that there are, in fact, times in your life,

when it's hard and you don't know what to do. And you're not sure.

And you're not even sure what you're not sure of. And I've been there. there.

I was there after the Iraq war when I had a year or more when I didn't know

how to sleep at night and couldn't stop seeing the things that we've been through.

And I was there several years later when Lisa and I had gotten married and blended

our families and the PTSD came roaring back.

I was there. And I was there again on August 20th of 2013 when we got that phone

call and we lost our son, Mitch.

And you might be there when you get the diagnosis and you're in that time In

between, the doctor says those words you were afraid you might hear and the

appointment at the oncologist that's not for a few days and you don't know what to do.

You might be on the drive back to your house from the funeral home and that

person that's been your person isn't there with you.

There are listeners right now hearing this that have just buried a spouse,

just buried a child, just gotten the news.

You just put the close sign up on your family business that the economy was

just too much for this time.

And it's finally gone. That dream has finally died, and you don't know what to do.

And I'm just here to tell you some of the things that are going to happen.

I had a conversation with Jenny Allen on Thursday, and we were talking about

grief and about how you're plunged into this place where everything is so raw,

and you don't know what to think, and you don't know what to feel,

and you aren't going to work.

You certainly aren't going to work, and you're not going to school,

and you're just at home, and everything feels impossible, and there's a glaring

absence, and you don't know what to do.

Well, that's when the psychologist would say it's normal for you to experience

what we call a fixed mindset, a fixed mindset. There's not going to be any more success.

I'm not going to be able to have any more relationships.

I'm just a failure or this is how it's always going to feel or I'm afraid of

what tomorrow is going to look like because today feels so stuck and limited

and fearful and worried and vulnerable and boxed in and endless and hopeless.

That's a fixed mindset.

And although we talk a lot on

this show about how we need to have a growth mindset, now is not the time.

The raw acute stage of grief and trauma and massive things is not the time to

be worrying about developing a growth mindset.

It's not the time to be worrying about the future. Right now all you can think

of is how to stop the bleeding, how to put pressure on the wound.

It's a trauma situation, and it's okay.

Give yourself permission to rest in the, hopefully, the company and the people

that have come around you, the community of people that are going to hold you up.

And then the only advice that I would give you is to find yourself a promise,

even if it's in the darkest moment, and you're not even sure if you believe anymore. more.

Just remember that prehab that this podcast, we're always doing on this podcast,

the prehab of putting some stuff in your heart that you believe that when the

pressure's on, you're going to not rise to the occasion, but you're going to

fall back to your preparation and the treatment plan.

And the one assignment you have is to remember, even if you can't remember what

you thought you were going to remember that was true, just remember that there

are some things that are are true.

And that might be enough for just for today, that that's one rung on the ladder.

The last one before you fall all the way into the abyss is there are some things that are still true.

And even if you can't even articulate one of them right then,

even if you can't pull one of them out of your hat, there are things that are still true.

Perhaps that will be enough. There are some some things that are still true.

And you can start doing a little bit of self-brain surgery on yourself when

the breathing won't stop, when the heart won't stop racing, when the grief feels

so much like fear, as C.S. Lewis said.

You can say, I'm grateful for this breath.

I'm not sure where the next one's going to come from, but at least I have this

one. I'm grateful that I have this chair to sit in.

And you can find some things to hold on to.

I'm grateful that my daughter is holding my hand right now. I'm not alone in this.

Because when you start to build some gratitude, even in the midst of the darkest

moments, then that circuit from your hippocampus to your frontal lobe is going.

To start moving away from fear just a little bit.

And you'll find some moments. I remember them clearly in the house when we were

sitting around after we got the news about Mitch and people started filtering

over there and there was all this panic and fear and dread and pain and desperation.

But even in the midst of all that, looking back 10 years later,

I can see there were some moments where we saw, we noticed a smile or a kind

word or somebody hugged us and held on tight and told us they loved us.

And there were some moments when you could just feel a little bit of gratitude,

not that that you were grateful to be there in that place, but that you were

grateful that you weren't alone in that place, or you were grateful that you

remembered something that made you smile about.

I would have a memory of Mitch that would make me smile even in the process of having just lost him.

And so I remembered that there were some things that were still true,

and that started getting me connected to that circuit in my brain.

I wasn't thinking about it in that way, and I don't want you to be either,

but that circuit that only goes one direction.

It either goes towards panic and fear or it goes towards gratitude and peace.

And we want to stay out of hopelessness because hopelessness is the deadliest thing we can encounter.

So when you don't know what to do, just remember there are still some things

that are true and you can find one thing or a small set of things to be grateful for.

And having those prehab plays that you run, Daniel Lehman talks about the day

that his father died and he has for years had a habit of the last thing he does

before he goes to sleep is to ask himself the question, what went well today?

So that he finishes the day on a grateful note. And he, without thinking about

it, after dealing with his bereaved mother and dealing with the arrangements

for his dad, and his dad died suddenly, and I think it was 2020, maybe early 21.

And he gets home and he goes to bed and everybody's tired and everybody's been

crying. and he finds himself without even thinking about it saying,

hey, Daniel, what went well today?

And he was able to remember some moments where people were kind to his mother

or some moments when his mother seemed to have enough strength to hold him up

when he didn't have enough strength to hold her up.

And a funny interaction that happened with the police as they were helping deal

with the house and his father's body and all these things that the police had

made a funny comment to his mom unintentionally.

And she made a humorous remark and that made him laugh.

And he had a moment that he could be grateful for. So even in the midst of that

hard day, there were some things that were still true.

His mom still loved him. He still had a good family. His dad had a good life.

He had good memories of his father.

And there were some things that he could be grateful for.

And he could realize that, yes, even on the worst day he'd had in a while,

there were some things that went well that day.

And you'll be able to find them too. If you get your eyes adjusted and get your

thoughts on right, when you're going through through hard things.

You don't have to be falling, falling, falling into the furnace of suffering.

You can find some place to land.

And for me, it turns out to be the fact that there are true things,

even when they're hard to see, and there are things to be grateful for all at the same time.

That's one of those quantum physics things that will help you when you don't

understand what to do and you're not sure and nothing seems right at the very

same time that abundance promise promise of John 10.10 can be true.

People will come and love on you. You'll remember a scripture.

Someone will text you something. A song will come on the radio just at the right

moment, and you'll start seeing maybe it's not all stuck and limited and worried

and fearful and vulnerable and boxed in and desperate and hopeless.

Maybe there's some potential.

Maybe I do have the skills to navigate this.

Maybe God's going to equip me to go through this, and I won't suffocate and

die eye under the weight of it.

Maybe I can ask someone for help. Maybe I'll be able to find the words to articulate what I need.

Maybe someday I'll be able to find some growth through this.

Maybe, maybe someone will come alongside me and I won't have to walk through this alone.

Maybe I really am more tenacious than I thought. Maybe my brain is more resilient than I thought it was.

Maybe I am determined not to let this be the end of me or to be the only thing

that my life is defined by going forward.

I'm empowered through the power of self-brain surgery You won't think of it

that way at that moment, but you are empowered to change your mind and not create

synapses that will keep you stuck in this hard place forever.

You will be able to change.

And you can therefore, my friend, be perhaps optimistic, but I dare say maybe

even hopeful, even on those times when you don't know what to do.

My favorite song in this time is Tommy Walker, my good friend Tommy Walker's

song, When I Don't Know What to Do.

If you just listen and worship with him, even if you're in the midst of that

trauma and tragedy or massive thing right now or you love someone who is,

this song will point you towards some places where you can turn when you don't

know what to do. It's Self-Brain Surgery Saturday.

Today I wanted to give you permission to say, I don't know what to do.

I've been there. Sometimes I'm still there. Yesterday I felt like that a little bit.

And I know that some of you listening are in that place right now.

And it's okay because you can't change your life until you change your mind.

But you don't always have to start today.

Sometimes in the throes of it, you just need to acknowledge that you don't know what to do.

I'm Dr. Lee Warren. I just wanted to share this with you.

We love you. We're praying for you. If you're in the midst of the massive thing,

please put it on the prayer wall so we can be there with you.

God bless you, friend. Have a great self-brain surgery Saturday.

Music.

Hey, thanks for listening. The Dr. Lee Warren Podcast is brought to you by my

brand new book, Hope is the First Dose. It's a treatment plan for recovering

from trauma, tragedy, and other massive things.

It's available everywhere books are sold. And I narrated the audio books.

Hey, the theme music for the show is Get Up by my friend Tommy Walker,

available for free at tommywalkerministries.org.

They are supplying worship resources for worshipers all over the world to worship

the most high God. And if you're interested in learning more,

check out TommyWalkerMinistries.org.

If you need prayer, go to the prayer wall at WLeeWarrenMD.com slash prayer,

WLeeWarrenMD.com slash prayer, and go to my website and sign up for the newsletter,

Self-Brain Surgery, every Sunday since 2014,

helping people in all 50 states and 60 plus countries around the world.

I'm Dr. Lee Warren, and I'll talk to you soon.

Remember friend, you can't change your life until you change your mind.

And the good news is you can start today.

Music.